Management…
Posted on: February 2, 2009
John merge la vanatoare in fiecare week-end. Merge el in ziua cu pricina sa inchirieze o arma si un caine: Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele? Arma gratuit, cainele 50$! Vaneaza bine, se intoarce urmatorul week-end: Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele? Arma gratuit, cainele 100$! De ce asa? L-am facut agent! Vaneaza bine…bine, se intoarce urmatorul Week-end: Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele? – Arma gratuit, cainele 200$! De ce asa? L-am facut supervisor! Vaneaza bine…bine…bine, se intoarce urmatorul week-end: Cat costa arma, cat costa cainele? Arma gratuit, cainele 400$! De ce asa? L-am facut manager! Se-ntoarce foarte dezamagit: Ma cac pe cainele tau, ca de cand l-ai facut manager STA IN CUR SI LATRA !
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Evrei:)
Posted on: January 28, 2009
“Un bogat bancher evreu isi insoara baiatul.
– Simon, fiule, maine zburam la Tel Aviv pentru nunta ta. Imi dau brusc seama ca nu ti-am spus multe lucruri despre viata. De maine vei fi impreuna cu sotia ta, trebuie sa stii unele lucruri. Uite, spre exemplu, cunosti degetele de la mana ?
– Sigur, tata, degetul mare, aratator, mijlociu, etc
– Nu, fiule, stai sa-ti explic : exista degetul calatoriei, al directiei, al placerii, al casatoriei si al distinctiei.
– Ah, nu stiam asta, tata.
– Degetul calatoriei este degetul mare, care iti permite sa faci autostopul ; degetul directiei – indexul -, il intinzi ca sa indici un anumit lucru ; degetul casatoriei – inelarul pe care pui verigheta, iar degetul distinctiei – cel mic – pe care-l ridici cand bei cafea.
– Am inteles, tata, dar ai uitat degetul placerii.
– Ah, Simon, l-am lasat pe cel mai bun la sfarsit… degetul placerii este degetul mijlociu, cel mai lung si mai frumos… pentru placere, fiule… il umezesti cu limba… si numeri bancnotele… ”
Cei care s-au gandit la altceva, in genunchi si sa recite 4 Ave Maria
:))))))))
Super Banc!!
Posted on: January 16, 2009
O tipa super eleganta si frumoasa foc iese dintr-un bar cu un indice de alcool in sange foarte ridicat Merge leganandu-se spre masina ei, un BMW al anului, scump ca naiba, si incearca sa-i deschida usa cu cheia, dar starea ei de ebrietate o impiedica si pica in fund linga usa masinii… Cu picioarele deschise si fara chiloti, isi observa “pasarica” si cand o recunoaste incepe sa-i vorbeasca: – Din cauza ta am masina, – Din cauza ta am bijuterii – Din cauza ta am bani – Din cauza ta pot avea barbatul care vreau – Din cauza ta am … Deodata incepe sa se pise… si …duios ii replica: – Nu, nu plinge, mai, ca nu te cert !!!… ))))))))
Melodia de azi
Posted on: January 16, 2009
Kilye intotdesauna a avut melodii extrem de sexy, foarte pe gustul meu… asta insa care deja are cam un an sau poate mai putin ramane una ditre preferatele momentului… iar in club, in “The Club” eeee… suuuper!!!
Top 10 boli misterioase
Posted on: December 4, 2008
Sida si Alzheimer sunt afectiunile situate pe primele locuri.
Unele boli sunt, deocamdata, un mare mister pentru lumea medicala. In timp ce oamenii de stiinta americani cauta leac pentru acestea, cunoscuta publicatie “Live Science” a intocmit un top al celor mai enigmatice afectiuni.
1. SIDA
De 25 de ani de cand exista, a facut foarte multe victime, mai ales in tarile in curs de dezvoltare. Pana in acest moment, nu a fost gasit niciun leac.
2. Boala Alzheimer
Se manifesta prin pierderi de memorie, dar boala nu trebuie asociata doar cu asta. Tratament nu exista.
3. Raceala obisnuita
Desi este cea mai frecventa afectiune, doctorii inca nu cunosc cauzele acestei raceli atat de comune.
4. Gripa aviara
Oamenii nu sunt imuni la virusurile purtate de pasari. Daca sufera mutatii, virusurile se pot transmite si de la om la om. Mortalitatea poate fi de peste 50%.
5. Pica
Este o boala frecventa mai ales la copii. Se manifesta prin tendinta de a manca lipici, clei, gunoi. Aparitia ei este inrudita cu deficienta de minerale. Specialistii nu au gasit leac pentru aceasta afectiune ciudata.
6. Dereglarile auto-imune
Celule organismului nu mai functioneaza normal si incep sa “atace” sistemul imunitar. Bolile auto-imune apar pe neasteptate, iar doctorii pot doar sa amelioreze simptomele.
7. Schizofrenia
Este una dintre cele mai severe afectiuni psihice. Bolnavii traiesc in lumi paralele si nu pot face diferenta intre real si fantastic.
8. Boala Creutzfeldt Jakob
Este o boala rara, care distruge treptat creierul, cunoscuta si sub denumirea de “boala vacii nebune”. De cele mai multe ori este fatala.
9. Sindromul oboselii cronice
Niciun test de laborator nu poate masura severitatea bolii, ale carei simptome apar brusc. Cei afectati au senzatia de oboseala insuportabila, dureri de cap, tulburari de somn si depresie.
10. Boala Morgellon
Este o maladie cu simptome neobisnuite. Cei care sufera de aceasta boala se plang de mancarimi intense ale pielii. Unii specialisti spun ca boala este “inchipuita”, altii ca simptomele sunt reale.
Evenimentul Zilei
Melodia de azi
Posted on: December 4, 2008
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A fost melodia mea de clubbing preferata anul trecut pe vremea asta, si a continuat sa fie mult timp dupa:)
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